i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
