If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
