Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
