I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
