Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
