I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
