I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
