I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
