How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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