Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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