haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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