i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
