just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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