made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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