Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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