i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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