Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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