she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
