I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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