If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
