look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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