You're my little dorito
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
