Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dick very happy bro
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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