I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
