highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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