I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
