omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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