I think I died a long time ago.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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