I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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