The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
