nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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