Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Can you bring me the toilet please
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
