dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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