I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
