Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
