Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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