you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
