Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
