i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
