My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
