Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
