I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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