I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
