I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
