i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
