I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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