I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
