My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
