the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
