I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize