So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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