Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
