Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You took a bar mat shot.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
