Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
