Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
