Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
ttyl tear gas
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
