I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
