I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
