dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
