i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Girls should come with a carfax report
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
