i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
