I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
